I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
