Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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