There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
