im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
