Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
