I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
