I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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