i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
