its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
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