Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
