gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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