So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
