awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
