remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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