How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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