guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
