someone threw a dead crab at me
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
he fucked my hip out of place.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
