Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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