dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize