it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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