i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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