i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
