i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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