he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
