We're facebook friends in real life
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
