Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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