how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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