last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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