My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
