I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Randomize
