You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
They are going to name an STD after you.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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