I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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