I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
