guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
