I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
