God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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