Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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