Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize