my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
