I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
