Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
