If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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