Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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