My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
