You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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