I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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