foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
