I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
