i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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