My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
