His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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