I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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