Will you blow on my dice?
I didn't shave. On purpose
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Randomize
