so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
