so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Let's get the cat blown out
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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